we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize