Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
