it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
