1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
