He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
