I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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