you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
