I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
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