I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
