the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
