Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
