Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
