If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Come share oat with me in your robe
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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