Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
should my penis look like a turkey
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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