I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
