I think im going to throw up on grandma
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
