Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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