It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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