I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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