Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
