I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
