and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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