After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
