Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
