Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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