Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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