Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
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BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
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First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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