I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
