Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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