Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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