boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
As shirtless as possible
But theres a keg here and me gusta
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
