bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
