I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
