problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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