so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
