My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
