I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
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