I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
