I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
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btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
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I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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