my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
