I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
