In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
