I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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