I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
