i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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