I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
