Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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