I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Still dying that you shit outside
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
How does it feel to date your dad?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
