I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
