i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
