youre lurking in front of me
I think i peed on brittanys purse
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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