I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
