I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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