"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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