I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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