piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
