i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
