I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
