I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
