dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
