She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
