If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
what day is it and did you see me today?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
