too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
